after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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