Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There are leaves in my underwear?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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