Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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