You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
