This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
