Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this just has baby written all over it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
two words: eviction party
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
