You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
