So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
