I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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