thus making me awesome and them whores
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
