I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
