I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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