Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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