The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
