never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
