I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
