my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
3pm strippers are depressing
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
