I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
