It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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