Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
