I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
