I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
