you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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