my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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