Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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