i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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