Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
