Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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