if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
