how can u be prego again
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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