u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
