My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
