i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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