If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
