I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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