she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
