cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
