you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
