Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
