Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
