i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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