You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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