Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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