What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
