Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
