Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
