After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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