You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
