i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
