how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
