I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I cockslap morals
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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