i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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