her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize