Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
