im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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