Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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