'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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