I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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