Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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