At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
